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[01 Jul 2010|12:43am] |
I am officially Mr. Daisy Trevilyan now. Actually, I've been married since November, but we decided to punk our family and have a real wedding for them. AHA SUCKERS!
Anyway, we're on our honeymoon now, which is a love-filled, sex-saturated journey across my official country of residence. I AM AMERICAN NOW! But I already know that we picked the best place in the country to live, because these demon animals and mosquito of the Southeast are abominations before God. Why does anyone even go outside here? I've been to Louisiana, and it was pretty awful even in autumn, but Georgia is definitely Jesus' armpit. I took a shower, went out to walk around Peachtree St. (one of like a million Peachtree Streets in Atlanta, actually. Logical? Definitely not.), and 10 minutes later I felt like I'd rolled around in a vat of sweat and glue, got up, rubbed myself on the pavement and then repeated the process five times. I can't even talk about what it's done to my hair. At this rate, I'll be out of product before we reach Texas.
ETA: I am going to attempt to have humid sex now. Hopefully the fluid build up in my lungs won't effect my stamina.
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[31 May 2010|06:47am] |
I have been so busy, guys. I'm trying to do my part in the wedding planning, so I offered to go to the cake tasting alone, or to take Benji, but of course, my greedy bride refused to not be present. I inquired about possibly having the whole cake be a cherpumple pie, but they looked at me with confusion and I knew these people were not as professional as I'd hoped. They had no clue what it was and when I told them, they couldn't understand why I would want cake and pie together. I told them "It's a marriage of my two favorite desserts, on the day that I marry my favorite fiancee. What's not to understand?" What a bunch of amateurs.
I think we decided to go with a lemon creme? I can't remember. I kept saying 'no' to samples just to see what else they had. By the end of it I was on a sugar high and possibly speaking in tongues. It's sort of a blur, I think I tried to run home, not really sure, but it was a good day.
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[28 Apr 2010|10:27pm] |
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I am officially out of shit to complain about tonight. GASP. Life has been surprisingly pleasant this week. I still have reservations about the retreat, but I'm sure those will be forgotten when I get my first s'more. So, I'm going to take the easy road here and open up this entry for another one of those 'ask me anything' deals, anonymous or not. Feel free to leave me compliments also or...not. I realize that I am annoying, so it's okay if you don't want to participate. I'll just become really depressed and cry loudly in my office to annoy you even more, no big deal.
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[08 Apr 2010|02:17pm] |
It is my birthday and I just got a blow j at my desk. IT WAS AWESOME., as you can see, and it's starting out really well. My mum made me pie, because I am THAT special. Too special for cake. Everyone gets cake. I GOT PIE. Birthday pie, which technically includes cake, because it is a Cherpumple Pie. The fact that my Mum made me anything featured on thisiswhyyourefat.com nearly brought me to tears. She was so ashamed to be carrying it around too, so I know she really loves me, because she did something against her moral fiber just to bring me joy.
So, since I am in such a great mood, feel free to come have a slice of birthday pie-cake, before I eat it all.
Also, this marks my third year at Spent. That affair I had with GQ doesn't count, didn't mean anything.
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[25 Mar 2010|01:06am] |
I have a question. What are everyone's views on tanning beds? Because our wedding planner asked me casually today if I plan on tanning before the wedding date, and I felt sort of insulted and didn't know what to tell her. I mean, yes, I have grown a bit pale from winter, but that's normal, and I like to think I look ridiculously handsome at any shade. But I have never been in a tanning bed, ever. I feel like the tanning bed thing is really American, am I wrong?
I've seen the spray tan places too, but I've never tried that either. I had a reader write in asking if it was okay for him to tan or spray tan, and I had to resist the urge to ask if he was doing pornography in the near future. I have to remember that it's sort of a big deal to some people, I suppose. But as long as my pasty ass is appreciated and I don't get any "Look there's a ghost!...oh wait, it's just your translucent skin, my bad" jokes, I don't really care. Besides, it's almost spring (I hope, God) and I plan on spending some time outside in grassy areas. If I can just catch an even Cristiano Ronaldo colouring then, I'll be satisfied.
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[15 Mar 2010|11:30pm] |
I both love and hate ordering pizza. I love the guarantee of having something tasty on it's way directly to you, made to order, but I hate the waiting. All I can think about is pizza now. I made a BLT to tide me over, but the satisfaction of that is starting to wane. So, I figured I'd open this up and distract myself. Obviously, it's not really working.
Speaking of work, I was thinking very seriously about doing another feature involving a few men of Spent. The other one went really well, since you're all so vain and attractive. But, after a conversation with someone who is somewhat fashion clueless and shall remain nameless, I realized that a "this look for less" feature (yes, I'm copying In Style now lolol) or a sort of experiment might be in order. Men have still have yet to learn that quality is priceless and they can easily dress themselves nicely. I want to do an experiment and have 3 amateurs dress themselves in anything they choose, from anywhere, including Walmart. Then we'll dress them in things that definitely do not come from Walmart, and I'll have three, random, attractive ladies voice their preference. Of course, in there somewhere we'll show them what they did wrong and how not to shop at discount chains, ever again, for anything that isn't food, toothpaste, or Xbox Games.
Annnd now my pizza is here. Mission accomplished. Goodnight.
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[20 Feb 2010|04:10pm] |
Fashion week was lovely. It always is...usually. I didn't suffer from any food borne illnesses and I succeeded in stopping my wife fiancée from suggesting that some random model have a ham sandwich and some juice. She's learning the etiquette quickly, you see. While she still feels they "look really hungry", I pointed out that their caloric intake is their own business and they don't like being belittled or befatted. Whatever. They don't like when you tell them to eat. For the record, all women are beautiful creatures that should be appreciated for what they are, even if they're rude and eat whole pies as a snack or don't eat at all. But eating is important and everyone should...eat.
I don't know where this is going anymore...
I really want to ask you all, as a collective group: Does anyone else see that there is a Christ Crusader working here? Is she just an apparition?? Why are we not acknowledging it!? I suppose I could either comment on the Olympics or Lent, to go with the trends, but I don't watch the Olympics. They're sort of boring. Especially the winter Olympics. They don't even have gymnasts or tiny shorts. So, Lent it is. I'm not Catholic, but Daisy is. I don't know if I'm going to have to convert to marry her. So, for practice!Lent, I think I'm going to try to give up premarital sex. It's the biggest sacrifice I can think of, besides food and television. But my question is, can I still masturbate? Is that alright in Catholicism or no? Ms. Gillig, do you know? That's not inappropriate, is it?
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[03 Feb 2010|01:49am] |
Yes, it's me again. No, I don't wish to explain why I came crawling back, but my reasons aren't as melodramatic or mysterious as I would like them to be, sadly. Instead, I'm just going to complain and pick up right back where I left off...until I can figure out what new things you assholes lovely human beings are talking about these days.
While out for a run with my puppy, Pasta, who doesn't really run very well, being a very petite Yorkie. She usually trots for a few minutes, then stops and stares at me expectantly, so I pick her up and use her as a 1kg weight to jog with, but I digress... I was out for a jog with her the other night and was nearly ended by a pile of dog shit. Not a violent mugging or rape attempt, not high cholesterol, or cancer, or AIDS. Dog. Shit. I would have been so angry if 'slid on a dog turd, went ass over tea kettle and suffered massive head trauma' had to be listed as my cause of death. And why is dog feces so slippery anyway? What the hell are people feeding their animals? A combination of EVOO and Dawn?
It was all very frustrating, but I am grateful that neither I, nor Pasta, were harmed, only inconvenienced and disgusted.
Now that I've vented, how is everyone? Is there even anyone here that knows who I am? What did I miss? And just to keep from being embarrassed, and so you can pretend to know me, if you like: I'm TJ. I'm Fashion Editor and I'm also very good looking.
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[03 Feb 2010|12:53am] |
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tristan james weston( . )
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[11 Sep 2009|01:51am] |
It's been a long time since I've forgotten to update. I think it's the distinct lack of people I dislike that makes me forget. (With the exception of Nathan, of course, who I still totally dislike a lot, seeing as how he didn't get me anything for my birthday.) Ahahaha. When there isn't something asinine to reply to daily, and no outrageous conservative shit being spewed all over the place, I forgot how indignant I can become. I ALMOST called Anjuli the other day...not to see if she was showing this week, believe it or not, but to ask her to come back. Then I realized that would be an awful idea, because she was apparently under the impression that I was in love with her when she was here. I got that notion out of my head really fast. Don't worry.
In other news that no one cares about, Daisy and I are cohabitating. We are obnoxious and in love, so I feel the need to tell everyone. I've been thinking about getting our cats married, but...you know, Spatula is a little slow on the uptake and hasn't locked it down just yet. I'm trying to talk some courage into him. That's not a metaphor for me. ...well...not...exactly, anyway. Well, maybe it...okay, no one needs to know that. While I do that, I also really really want a dog for some reason, but I don't want to live alone with my dog because Daisy is afraid of doesn't like them. This plan needs more thought, definitely.
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[18 Aug 2009|07:40pm] |
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I'm pretty sure my "trainer" is trying to kill me. Apparently "I'd like a little more definition in my abs" translates to "I'd also like a hernia to go along with that, and feel free to cripple me for the rest of my life." He's a maniac. Certifiably insane and totally pumped about killing me. He's so jacked up on protein shakes and Rockstar, I don't think he even notices when I'm about to drop a 200lb bar on my own neck. Nor does he have a proper sense of 'personal space' anymore. I won't go into detail, but he could definitely benefit from more supportive under garments.
So, obviously, I'm going to have to break up with him. I'm just not sure how he'll take it. We've been together for about a year now, so it's going to be hard. Especially since I have no intention to switch fitness clubs. I don't want it to seem like I'm rubbing my new trainer in his face, but..it has to be done. I have a mortgage now, and I just can't afford to injure myself any longer.
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[03 Aug 2009|12:46am] |
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music |
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My President Is Black (Remix) - Jay Z lololol |
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I saw the Black Keys tonight. It was awesome. I wish I could be more eloquent about it, but they were pretty much brilliant. It was a religious experience. THEN we watched Coldplay right after, literally. It was orgasmic. On Friday night, we got to the hotel after work and then took a nap, because you definitely need a nap before watching Jay Z. Daisy made a new friend in the Jay Z crowd, who was very large and frightening. I didn't ask questions. She's my own personal bodyguard, so I wasn't actually in any danger. We also watched TOOL Saturday and were nearly sucked into a very violent looking circle pit. I have no doubt that Daisy could hold her own in a pit and likely enjoy it, but I would've definitely broken multiple bones and probably lost a limb or three. I'm delicate.
It was a great weekend, thanks to a great girlfriend, who's supreme awesomeness I have to bow to now. She's really mean to me sometimes and calls me fat, but then she goes and does something amazing like this and...I'm banned from complaining or calling her fat for the rest of the year. It's worth it, though.
How was everyone's weekend?
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[15 Jul 2009|10:36am] |
Connor is an idiot. A harmless idiot, but still. In other news, I have the most random semi-erection at the moment. I don't know where it came from, but the thought of Connor is quickly extinguishing that flame as I type, so fear not. ..that was really appropriate, I know.
So, I'm all moved into my new place, finally. I was thoroughly shocked that major home appliances were so expensive. My plan was to just steal my old appliances from my old landlord and let him figure it out in a few months or...something, I don't know, but when we went bed shopping, I saw all these new, shiny, futuristic-looking appliances. Well, I was already on a consumer high, so of course I gave up my original plan.
Now, my Mum wants to have a housewarming party Saturday, around 8PM-ish, I think. So, consider this an open invitation. If you want to attend and need the address, I can e-mail it to you. Rosalyn, I expect you to bring the Asian Hamburger Helper. And, between my mother and Daisy's, there will obviously be enough food to feed half of Manhattan.
( Locked to Daisy )
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[30 Jun 2009|08:07pm] |
I am not looking forward to the 4th of July, yet again. I swear the people in my old neighborhood are the most patriotic motherfuckers lot of idiots God ever created. They have no respect for the English, obviously, and are not only loud, but dangerous, as well. Apparently, they still have no clue that it's me ringing the police every time I hear even a match striking. I suppose I should have more respect, since I call this country home, but I prefer being irrationally indignant about it. I don't suppose it matters anyway, since I'll be with Daisy's family, but...I'm not serious about any of this, I hope you all know. ...it's not like anyone takes me seriously anyway, so.
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[16 Jun 2009|05:46pm] |
As previously mentioned, I'm still searching for a flat. After speaking with my mother and my surrogate mother, I've decided to buy rather than rent and I'm sort of scared, I won't lie. I've started calculating obsessively during my free time. It will be the most responsibility I've taken on...ever, I think. Sort of. The place I'm pining for at the moment is on Saint Nicholas Ave. and I think that pretty much translates to "It is your destiny to live there, TJ." I love Christmas, as all good Christians should, but I love Santa Claus even more, so it's perfect.
Don't question my logic, please. Just pine and pray with me that the place becomes my future home, thank you. And...thank you, Jesus. Please let me have this home on a street named after a legitimate saint, that also represents cheer and happiness in the form of a fat, jolly man. Amen.
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[01 Jun 2009|01:54pm] |
Some really awful woman had this basket of edible fruit-bouquet thing delivered to me this morning. I will say that I have already devoured it, since it had pineapples and I couldn't let those waste. My logic is: pineapples aren't grown nearby so they're really far from home, so I'm doing them a service by putting them out of their misery.
ANYWAY. I usually have a huge problem with fruit being offered as dessert or as a treat. I think it's offensive. Unless the fruit is first made into a jelly or syrup or ice cream or covered in something that is at least 85% sugar, it's really rude. I only made an exception today because I didn't have breakfast and there was chocolate on some of the strawberries. I just didn't want anyone who might have passed my office and saw me inhaling melon to think that I'm some sort of pansy who eats raw fruit and natural sugars. I actually drank a litre of bacon fat after that, worry not.
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[16 May 2009|04:29am] |
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If anyone knows of any good real estate brokers, I could use some recommendations. Anyone working mostly in Manhattan, Brooklyn, and The Bronx would be nice. While I'm hesitant to give up the view of the New Stadium from my roof, I feel like it's time for a change. My only requirements are: More closet space, a rain shower head already installed, no bars on the windows, and a floor that's comfortable enough for spontaneous napping. Those are the most important things, of course. Pricing, neighbourhood, and amenities are all negotiable.
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[04 May 2009|06:50am] |
I hope you have an awful birthday, Nathan. Cheers. And you better throw her some sort of fucking party, asshole. Even if I'm not invited...
I'm really looking forward to another retreat. I'll try to remember to keep my ass out of the poison ivy this time, don't worry. While I know you all loved seeing my pustulant, blister covered face...I'll steer clear of suspicious greenery.
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[19 Apr 2009|03:38am] |
Fuck my life.
I received an e-mail from someone who has "a larger than average ass". When he "wears tight jeans", they "develop holes in the back". I'm not sure what the average ass measurements for a man are, but I'll just take his word for it as I've never actually researched the subject, nor do I have the desire to. Either way, I had to stop myself from answering with "Feel fortunate that you have an ass, Mr. Bootylicious. Some of us aren't so lucky. Oh...and wear larger jeans, with a sufficient rise, dumbass."
Sometimes, I feel like certain people don't deserve clothes. Those people should live in a nudist colony and donate their clothing to charity.
( Locked to Jane )
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[06 Apr 2009|01:15pm] |
Hello, America. Greetings from Naples, where it is fucking raining all over my good time. Luckily, I got a solid tan before Jesus started weeping all over Italy in preparation for Easter, apparently. Why is the Messiah such a drama queen? The sad irony is that the weather is supposed to be gorgeous here on my birthday and raining in Barnsley....where I'll be...eating cake and bacon with my party hat on.
Oh, well. It'll still depressing be fun, I'm sure. Being her only son, Mum usually buys me a lot of really awesome stuff and spoils me rotten, even at 32 years old. ...I can't believe I just revealed my real age. I do feel older though. I even had grapefruit at breakfast this morning, which is one of the things that I knew old people did when I was younger. That and keep pieces of lint covered peppermint in their pockets for children. I suppose I'll go stock up on pocket lint and peppermint now.
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